| loyalty |
[Dec. 20th, 2010|07:25 pm] |
I have trouble with the concept of loyalty. I don't have trouble enacting it; it's knowing when to call it a day that's the issue. When is loyalty honourable, and when is it just being a flat out sucker?
I think overdosing on loyalty goes along with smiling too much, apologising too much, and never being cool or aloof. Being reliable, and being the kind of person whom cool and aloof people take for granted as adoring fans.
I think it's time, as the age of 28, I accepted that:
1. I'm never going to successfully appear aloof
2. I'm generally going to be the dumpee
3. If I was a character in Lord of the Rings, I'd be Sam.
4. I'll never be ultra-desirable due to these traits
5. I'm always going to be wide open to potential hurts
6. At least I'll never be Gollum.
I recently had a pretty close friend leave me off their list of invitees for their party. I stewed over it for a week, wandering round in a haze like a wounded animal, then realised: who cares, if I don't? And also realised: I can have my own party. One thing smiley, uncool people are never short of are friends, even if I didn't fit into the desired demographic of that friend's party. So if you are reading this, you are a friend, and you're invited to my party. Saturday 12 March, in the backyard of Chateau le Vassallo, while my parents are away for three weeks on a cruise. I may even hire a slushy machine. I kid myself that I'm not going to invite that one person that broke my loyal little heart, but I probably will. Because I'm the dumpee, not the dumper, remember? (Besides, I'd hate to hurt anyone's feelings!)
I hope you're well =) |
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| Life and Ludo |
[Jul. 31st, 2010|06:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
My, it has been a long time.
I think the last time I posted was more than a year ago. Which has lead me to think: what makes up my life right now?
The first thing that comes to mind is Ludo. Ludo is a 3 year old, male Japanese Chin. He's a really loving, docile, playful little dog, about the size of a large cat. I have some pics on my facebook, but you get the idea.
I met him at the Royal Show last year. I had called the breeder, the only breeder of Japanese Chins in Perth, and asked her if she had any pups. She said that she is not planning on doing any more breeding, as she's getting older, and will soon be retiring. She did say she had two young Chins that would be showing at the Royal Show - a boy and a girl. Would I like to come and meet them?
My main impression of meeting Ludo in September last year is joy: while his sister was reticent and nervous, he immediately jumped straight up into my arms, and proceeded to sniff and lick me all over my face. At that moment, we chose each other, and from then on, it has been a grand romance! haha
I can see why studies of pet owners consistently show an increase in health and wellbeing over the general population: we're happier! When I get home, and Ludo's waiting for me, wanting to play and cuddle and spinning in little circles with excitement, how can I not catch some of his happiness?
So when I think about my life, I think about Ludo, and I can't help but feel really blessed. Yes, he is just a dog.. but one thing I have learnt about being an adult, is that you have to take happiness where you find it, and be thankful. And happiness is sitting on my lap right now!
Another thing that has changed in my life since last year, is the change to a vegan lifestyle.
I read a book, and then another book, and watched a documentary, and the deal was sealed.
I thought it was going to be really hard, but in general, it has been far easier than I thought. And so many good things have come out of it. It's like life was waiting on me making this decision - it has been a doorway to all sorts of great things. I've met some great people, I've started meditating again, I feel healthier, my weight is stable for the first time in my life, I'm closer to my family... and I'm cooking and eating new things all the time!
I thought I was the most unlikely person to tread this path, but for me, it has been so positive.
Some of my cooking adventures are documented at veganfantasy.blogspot.com
On that note: time to get started on some cupcakes!!!
Have a great day! |
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| on holidays |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|05:41 pm] |
i just got back from bali last night. i'm in that strange post holiday limbo feeling.
my mum and i left wednesday night, after her mother's (my grandmother's) funeral. i say her mother because that relationship trumps my smaller, less dimensional grandmother grief. its strange, but i almost feel guilty for mourning openly, when i know that my own feelings must be a drop in my mother's deeper, darker current. just imagining what it would feel like to lose my mother gives me this terrifying, bewildering dark feeling. i have seen enough of what that grief looks like, to fear it.
anyway, that wasn't what i was going to talk about. we had a marvellous holiday, beyond all expectations. it was one of those holidays that makes you forget you ever had any others and say to yourself, 'that was the best holiday i have ever had.' the warmth of that sun, of the heavy, pungent air, is still with me. it was just so lovely to walk around in a singlet and a short skirt and feel the breeze on my calves... to drink fresh pineapple juice, and feel the freedom to watch the austere day turn into a gaudy, seedier night. to escape from any expectations relating to my person and just be some nameless white tourist in a tourist town.
i smell the incense in my clothes and want to be back in the little cottage with the narrow carved wooden door and thatched roof. or with my back pressed against an old stone wall, waiting for a scooter carrying three people to whiz past me, inches from my face.
i started counting my flights on the way home. 8 so far, in 09, with 2 more planned for christmas. i have 3 holidays planned in the next 18 months. in truth, i don't know when, where or why this holidaying thing started. its not like i have anything really that i wish to leave behind. i have a good job, a good partner, a car and a home i like. i just feel this compulsion to book holidays constantly. as a result, my savings aren't exactly multiplying.. well not at the rate of my credit card debt anyway. but i can't seem to stop myself, or even make myself *care*. all i know is that i need to keep going, time after time, to places that aren't here. |
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| fish tank, tanked |
[May. 17th, 2009|01:35 pm] |
I bought a three foot fish tank this week without really thinking it through. The tank itself is great, I'm just not sure where to put it. If I lived alone, I'd put it where the TV is - I'm not really much of a TV watcher. Although, there's wii. Hmm. The jury is still out, the fish tank remains empty in spare room 2.
I'm irritated but not surprised about the daylight saving poll results.
I like Perth, because in many ways its old fashioned aspects are charming. But it just gets oppressive sometimes. It's like we're living in a retirement village. |
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| Monday paranoia |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|07:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Josh Pyke | ] |
Mondays don't usually effect me too badly. I like my job, and mostly I'm just as happy at work as at home. What gets me is the palpable drop in other people's moods.. I can feel it, a kind of white noise separating us, widening the gaps between people. I end up feeling lost and at sea, worrying over silly things. I want to hug everyone.
A 40 hour working week can't help but breed natural familiarity and.. closeness between people. I like to think its because as humans, our natural tendency is to learn to love each other. A predisposition in healthy, happy humans to love and support each other and overcome differences and look for common ground, look for comfort in our fellows.
But then The Man has set up all these delineations. Like.. you can't hug. You can't comfort someone when they are down. You can't talk about things everyone is preoccupied with... like fucking and religion.
This can be tricky to navigate. It's driving an automatic car through heavy traffic. Love, warmth, BREAK! Regulate, don't break the rules!!
Aside from those ruminations... I ordered a pair of knee high science teacher socks with pink stripes at the top, and was thrilled when they arrived today. Until I put my thumb through one and made a hole, as I was pulling them up for the first time.
I think they're still good.. holes add character right? Riiight??? Good. =0) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|08:44 pm] |
I'm procrastinating redoing my resume and embarking on a Selection Criteria marathon.
I love my current job, but there's another great job going that I've wanted a crack at since I first started as a temp, so I figure.. it would be silly not to at least apply.
Thing is, even though I feel no nerves at the thought of *doing* the job, and I don't doubt I'd be able to do it well, my knees turn to jelly at the thought of 'selling' myself. Its just not me. I also feel kind of inadequate in the face of lies I know other people tell. I always tell the truth in job applications, for better or worse..
People frequently tell me I exude confidence, even though I really don't feel confident at all. Hmm, I wonder if this trick will work in an interview?! Can I fool them?
I guess its just one of those uncomfortable awkward things that have to be done in life.. nothing ventured nothing gained. And I bet doing job applications is not up many people's most loved activities lists..
ah well. grin and bear it. |
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| Home |
[Mar. 28th, 2009|02:57 pm] |
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After flying all night, I almost cried at the sound of the customs officer's familiar Queensland twang. 'G'day guys! Got anything to dee-claire?' A smile was born deep inside my Australian heart that couldn't help breaking to the surface. I had an amazing time in Japan, but perhaps one of the most valuable side effects of the whole trip was suddenly being able to see my own culture through another. It's invisible when you're immersed in it. |
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| i can`t read |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|08:36 pm] |
We arrived last tuesday in Tokyo, to snow. After spending the two days prior in Cairns and amid humidity and insects, my first thought was that the swirling flakes, visible only in street light halos from the bus window, were familiar clouds of bugs. Having grown up in the bright hot of Perth, I had never seen snow. I stumbled out in Akasaka in a daze. I tried to haul in my baggage, around five exhuberant hotel staff were far more efficient than me in whisking it away. In seemless english, i was greeted and offered the key to our 36th floor room. my ears popped going up the lift, as if I wasn:t already a little dizzy...
The attendant opened the door for me, and the curtains bordering one half of the room were thrown open. More lights than I had ever imagined twinkled in the brisk night. Immediately I felt small, shabby, and elated. I had arrived. And Tokyo, as expected, paid little attention.
I threw myself into the night without ceremony.
The next four days were a whirlwind. Convenience stores with more products than the average Australian department store. Stern faced police, packed subways, hovering locals, just waiting for the slightest sign of distress to step in and ask if we were okay, if we needed directions, help or consolation. restaurants, bars.. an endless parade of `irraysmase! gozaaaiiimmmuuuuusu!!` strange silences in the most unexpected pockets of city. open stares from children and old men, covert stares from every other person. story book, national geographic beauty and a history i felt sorry i would only ever superficially understand. an acute awareness of being a foreigner, first and foremost. and the sinking feeling, when entering a bookshop and staring at the array of kanji on covers, that i could no longer read.
i love knowing that the only thing stranger than this land to me, is me to this land. how can an adventure not ensue?! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|08:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
christmas is coming. I got a box of chocolates today from a contractor. it has taken all my strength to save them for my frail grandma who worships Darrell Lea and not open the gorgeous red wrap.
meanwhile, I'm slowly getting through the 57 christmas cards for people in my office.
i feel like a bit of a dag for doing it.. but don't want to do nothing and don't want to do cards for some and not for others. i use it as an opportunity to help me find something i like about everyone, even people i generally don't enjoy. so i think i get something out of it too. its like doing heart sit ups. i hope its stopping my heart from shrinking. |
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| a gorgeous backyard and a bottle |
[Nov. 23rd, 2008|08:21 pm] |
i went to julia's today, for the first time in 9 years. fuck. time is getting away.
her mother's backyard was resplendent; vines grew up and over each other, over fences, around trees, into every crevice. grass rolled as far as the eye could see, fruit hung in trees and fell carelessly to the ground. pets reclined in the sun; i drank yet another sauvignon blanc and just laughed. god she's funny. even though we're older and nowhere near as fresh we can still laugh with that ultimate abandon.
julia is beautiful, her blonde hair always looks exactly the way i wish my tacky, 80s amy winehouse brassy birds nest would look. she's the funniest woman i've ever met. she's so witty and still so down to earth.. she's the *only* one who could really understand when i walked in on our teacher in the male toilets of a high end restaurant. (long story)
i could use the word 'tender' for her, but there's something more than that. she has a real sensitivity that is so understated and so quiet, it's beautiful.
it's like her little, detailed drawings. they never over-announced themselves, but there was always something wonderful in them, something surprising.
god. i really did miss her. |
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